The emotions I feel as a 39 year-old Christian single

I grew up with the idea that I'd get married young, have kids and be a stay at home Mum. It may seem old-fashioned to many people now, but growing up, that's what I expected my life to look like. That's what my mother did, and that's what her mother did before her. So when I finished school, I spent a year abroad, studied and got a Master's degree... still, no husband. At the time, I was not particularly worried though. I was in my mid-twenties and I had plenty of time !

Fast forward 15 years... and I am still single. A LOT has happened in all areas of my life in-between, ranging from amazing and life-giving experiences, to painful and dreary ones. I even came close to getting engaged at some point, but things didn't work out.

So here I am in 2026, as an unmarried, childless 39 year-old lady. If my 24 year-old self saw my life as it is now, she'd probably plunge into 'the depths of despair' (Anne of Green Gables anyone ?). Being a single middle-aged woman was NOT my dream. In fact, I would even go as far as to say that it was one of my dreaded nightmare scenarios back then.

Spoiler alert : I am there now, and I am not in despair ;)

Truth be told, I still want to get married and have a family of my own. And for the last 20 years, God has repeatedly promised me that He has plans for me in this area. I believe Him. But I have also had to travel this road of singleness and live in the tension of unfulfilled promises.

And I have had to face many different emotions on the journey.

So here is a little insight into the emotions I deal with as a 39 year-old unmarried Christian woman. They are quite a colourful bunch...! My goal is to put words to some of my emotions, and through this, to help you identify some of your own.

If you are single like me, I hope that this makes you feel seen. You may not have the same emotional experience as I have, but I hope that by reading this you will feel less alone, encouraged and validated to some degree in your emotions.

If you are not single, I am so glad that you are reading this as well. We all face many kinds of emotions every day and it always helps to read about other people's experiences to understand our own emotions a bit better. Besides, you may also be waiting on other promises in your life and having to deal with emotions along the way. Finally, I hope that my story will also give you a little insight into the lives of the Christian singles around you.

This being said, let's get going.

FEAR

Let's start with fear : fear of being lonely, fear of not being enough, fear of not getting through financially, fear of missing out, fear of intimacy, fear of rejection...

So many different fears.

Fear is an emotion we feel when our brain believes we are in danger. At its core, it's a very useful emotion when we need to be alerted in real time about something dangerous so we can get to safety. But outside of this basic function, fear can become a source of emotional pain.

Let's take fear of rejection for example. I was bullied by boys in middle-school which left a wound on my heart in my relationship to men in general. As long as that wound was unhealed, I would project the fears created by my past experiences onto my present interactions with men - even those that were kind and respectful. I have had to let God heal my heart so that I could feel more confident and valuable as a woman.

Fear also harms us when we project it into the future. The thing is : we were not created to live in the future. We were made to live one day at the time. God gives us grace every day for just THAT day. But over the years, I have spiraled down many "what if" scenarios in my head. What if I never get married... What if I never have kids... What if I end up poor and lonely... What if I'll die on the streets... Very dramatic, I know, but that's what fear does to us.

If I am honest, this kind of fear is an old enemy of mine, and not just when it comes to singleness. But I am learning this : I can bring my fears to God. When the Bible says "do not fear", it's less of a command, but more of a reassurance that there is no need to fear because God is always with me. So as I get to know the God who is constantly with me, who has gone into my future and set good plans in motion for me even if I am not there yet... I learn to fear less. I learn to trust and to hope. But it's a process.

SHAME

The most painful emotion I have had to face when it comes to singleness is shame. It took me a while to recognize this emotion, but once I saw it, it was all over my life.

Shame is when we feel that who I am is not enough ; if people saw me for real, they would see me as less valuable, despise me or reject me. At its core, shame is a deep fear of rejection and disconnection.

I still remember when it dawned on me that I felt really ashamed of my state of singleness. It was this feeling of : people must see me as lacking somehow, as 'not quite up to snuff'. In my experience in the church at large, people don't always know what to do with singles, especially women. There is this expectation that people should get married, and when they don't, there is something a bit fishy about them. As a teenager, I myself remember looking at single women of a certain age as a bit of an oddity, and really hoping that would never be me.

Over the last 10 years, God has been untangling the grip of shame on my life. In fact, the antidote to shame is connection. It's the one thing it needs but also the one thing it fears the most... Because we fear that if we truly connect with someone and still get rejected, it will only confirm our worst fear. But I have learnt to truly be with myself when I feel shame, to also bring the shame to God and share it with others when appropriate.

To be honest, I still struggle with shame at times. Sometimes when I speak with people my age and they tell me about their kids, their marriage, their mortgages... Shame still creeps up on me. I feel less than, ashamed that I seem to have nothing to show for. It's a lie of course, but in that moment, I feel separate. Left behind. It's an awful feeling.

But now, I know a bit better what to do. I let myself feel the shame and be with myself in it ; I let God into the pain and I speak with others about it. Shame has no power when we connect with love.

SADNESS & GRIEF

I don't want to sound all doom and gloom and I will talk about lighter emotions in a little while, I promise :) But before we move on, I'd like to zoom in on sadness and grief because they have been such an important - and yes, helpful - part of my journey.

Sadness is an emotion we feel after we experience a disappointment, hurt, or a temporary setback. We all feel it at some point in our walk on earth, simply because we live in an imperfect world. Sadness is an emotion that invites us to slow down a bit, acknowledge what upset us, find comfort, heal and then move on.

The best illustration of sadness I have ever witnessed is when little children fall down and get a little scratch. After a brief silent shock of "what just happened to me ?"... drama ensues ! They start crying and run to someone they trust. They need to show you exactly where it hurts, they blubber and tell you how awful it feels, and "oh there is blood !"... You soothe, you clean the wound, you put a nice band aid on it, you kiss or hug them... And when they feel that their pain was heard and acknowledged and they got the comfort they needed, they hop off your knee and start playing again as if nothing happened. Ever witnessed that ?

Well, we may not be 4 years old anymore, but sadness works the same for us. We may not burst out in tears right there on the spot (although it can be very healthy to cry at some point after we got hurt), but sadness needs to be expressed and witnessed, even as adults. And if you are single, I bet that you have had to deal with disappointments along the way. Personally, I definitely have and I have felt sadness as a response.

But at specific times, I have had to deal with more than just sadness. I've had to grieve. We often associate grief with the loss of a loved one. But in reality, we can experience grief every time we loose something meaningful to us.

The biggest thing I have had to grieve over time were my own expectations on timing. In my mid thirties, I started to realise that I was getting close to the dangerous zone known as 'middle-age'. Ever since I was a little girl, my expectation had been to get married and have children as a young woman. But there and then, I came to the taunting realisation that this would never happen.

There it was. Loss. Grief. So real and overwhelming that I could taste ashes in my mouth. I knew enough about grief to know that if I didn't face it, I would never get through it and I would be stuck.

So I dove in. I intentionally took time every day to look at this impossible dream, and I welcomed all the emotions that came with it. I cried. I sat in silent agony. I raged. I laid on the wooden floor of my flat and I wept messy prayers.

Wave after wave crashed over me. It was very uncomfortable but I knew that I had to do this. During that time, I also knew deep down that something different but equally good (or even better) may happen for me in the future. But what I had always imagined, this precious dream I had, would never come true, and I needed to face that.

After a few weeks, the emotions started to feel a little less overwhelming. I started to feel little bouts of joy again. Calm settled over me more frequently. There was still sadness but I could function again. As I continued to stay with my emotions and allowed them to be, I slowly moved out of this grief to a phase of renewed hope.

That was one of the strongest grieving processes I have gone through so far. Today, I am so glad I faced this head on. Because ungrieved sadness is very heavy on the soul and body.

As believers, we often need to hold things in tension. We can believe that God has good plans for us no matter what and we can face the things we've lost and feel grief. Grief is not a lack of faith but an invitation to bring it before God. If it matters to you, it matters to God. We can come before Him with everything that is on our heart, not just the pretty or spiritual sides.

Nowadays, I still struggle with sadness at times, and sometimes I still need to grieve some aspects of my life as a single. But instead of repressing it, I have learnt to let myself feel it, have compassion for myself and sit with the grief in God's loving arms. I can be myself and I don't need to pretend. He holds me and helps me find comfort.

JOY

I started with some painful emotions, but let me state it loud and clear that there is also a lot of joy in my life as a single.

To start with, there are the simple joys of daily life - you know, those that make everything sparkle a little bit more ! A rainbow on a cloudy sky, butterflies fluttering across a sunny meadow, a good cuppa tea with a piece of dark chocolate, a nice audiobook...

Then there is the joy of being around children and having a laugh with them ; the joy of community and reveling in worship ; the joy of good food and the myriad other ways that God provides... So many things to enjoy and be thankful for.

All of this is true. But my greatest joy as a single is the time and space I have to develop and enjoy my personal relationship with God. There is nothing like it. Where my married friends rush through the day, doing their jobs, taking care of their children... I have much more space to just be.

Paul addresses the issue of singleness and marriage in 1 Corinthians 7. He essentially says that both marriage and singleness are good. In the midst of his exposé, one sentence rings very true to my ears : "An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband." (1 Cor 7 v34-35).

This right there is the great gift - and joy - of singleness. You can totally focus on God. Spend hours with Him. Get to know Him. Enjoy His presence. Your timetable is (more or less) your own, so you can create space to grow closer to Him. And as you do, He becomes your everything. Nothing compares to that.

As I mentioned before, I still want to get married, very much so. But I am being more and more convinced of this : the intimacy with God that developed over this long period of singleness was worth it all.

Don't get me wrong. I do feel the pain of unfulfilled desires. But that's the crazy beauty of emotions - they can all co-exist at the same time. So yes, I feel pain at times. But I also feel a deep joy in knowing God so intimately and I rejoice in this beautiful relationship we have. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

LONELINESS

Isn't it funny how I follow up with the emotion of loneliness, just after telling you that God has become my everything ? Remember - as believers, we can hold things in tension. Both things can be true at the same time : I can be fully satisfied in my intimacy with God and I can feel lonely and long for a mate.

God himself said after creating the first human being : "It is not good for man to be alone" (Gen 2:18). But hang on - that was said before the fall ! At that moment, Adam was in perfect communion with God. But still, God said that something wasn't good, because Adam needed a helper. So even when we have a wonderful relationship with the Lord, we are wired to share life with others.

This does not necessarily have to come through a mate though. Let me state this clearly: as singles, we are not doomed to loneliness. I have had incredible seasons in life where I felt totally alive and satisfied in community with good friends, family, church, colleagues... I didn't feel as though I was lacking anything, even though I was single.

But there have been other seasons too. Seasons of loneliness and isolation. Now, I believe that to some degree, these kind of seasons are for every believer at some point in their lives. If Jesus was led into the desert by the Holy Spirit, and many heroes of faith have gone through hard seasons of pain and isolation before us, so shall we if we follow Jesus. In these seasons, God refines us and draws us closer to Him. But it is not our final destination.

Lately, God has been going deeply into places in my heart where I feel lonely. I have realised once again that loneliness is not the absence of community, but the absence of true connection. We can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely. But I am also learning that the antidote to loneliness is authenticity with love. So I try to cultivate authenticity in my own life, first of all in my relationship with the beautiful trinity, with myself and everyone around me. It's not always easy - but so worth it.

ANGER

As I listed the emotions I wanted to write about, I nearly forgot about anger... ! This is because when it comes to my journey of singleness, this one has faded a bit into the background. In my early and mid-thirties though, I used to feel a lot of anger towards God that I was still single.

Anger is an emotion we experience when we feel threatened and/or powerless, or when we feel that we are being unfairly treated. The latter was certainly the case for me : I felt unfairly treated by God, for not 'allowing' me to find a husband. So I would get really mad at times.

But interestingly, anger is also an emotion that can mask other emotions, such as sadness, shame or fear. The problem with that is that our real emotional needs are hidden in the deeper emotions beneath the anger.

For me personally, I think that some of my anger towards God was masking much deeper hurt with roots deeper than just my present circumstances. As God has been unraveling my heart, it has become much softer. Now, it's much easier for me to recognise : "I am feeling angry right now, but deep down I am actually feeling lonely, or sad or ashamed" etc. So I can still feel angry at times, but I realise more quickly what is behind it. Once I can access those deeper, more tender emotions, I can be with myself in them and bring them to God so that my heart can be comforted and find healing.

Besides... Another reason I feel less anger nowadays is that I’m becoming more and more convinced that God is the great Redeemer of my life. And that gives me hope.

HOPE

The other day, a friend of mine said to me : "Mareike, at the end of the day your life is a journey of hope". I sneered slightly, thinking to myself : "that's what you say to people whose lives are in shambles" (I was being rather dramatic on that day). She reiterated : "No, really, it's true ! You have overcome so many things".

I have thought about this ever since, and she's right. The paradox that I have experienced in my life is that the more difficulties and setbacks I have faced, the more hope has risen. Not always immediately, but over the long haul - yes, absolutely. Why is that ?

From a psychological point of view, hope is not an emotion per se. It's more of an internal framework that anticipates the future with an optimistic outlook, based on one's abilities and pursuit of goals. This then creates "positive emotions" - that's why we can say that we feel hopeful.

Biblical hope is different, because its source is the deep belief in the character and promises of God. As I have journeyed through the ups and down of the last 20 years, I can testify that I have met God. Over and over again. In the messy middle, in the questions and the doubts, in the battles and the victories, in seasons of plenty and seasons of drought. And in every season, He has revealed parts of Himself to me. I have gotten to know God and my faith in His character and promises has increased.

The Bible says : "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see" (Hebrews 11:1). As I have gotten to know God better, my hope and confidence in who He is has increased, and therefore my faith has grown as well.

And to tie it all to my journey as a single : now, I actually believe more than ever that I will get married, because God has said and confirmed it in many ways. I may still be dealing with all the emotions described above at times, but my internal hope level is rising. The beauty is that this doesn't depend that much on my circumstances but on this wonderful God who is with me and whose promises are true.

EXCITEMENT

I will finish this inventory by an emotion that I feel regularly at the moment : excitement. This is an emotion that we feel when we expect good things to happen in the future. For many years, I had settled down in a quiet feeling of contentment of my situation, or in other words a feeling of "life is enough right now". I was dealing with the challenges and emotions as they arose, but I also felt content and grateful for my life as it was.

But in this season - it's a difficult for me to put words to this so I won't go on forever on this - but I sense in my spirit that things are about to change. Suddenlies are going to happen. Various prophetic voices that I hear are saying the same thing : long-standing promises will soon come true.

To be honest, I don't have the details of what that will entail for me. Maybe I will meet someone and get married, maybe I still have to wait. But at the end of the day, no matter what comes, I know this : God is good. And I will be OK.

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So here we are : eight emotions I feel as a 39 year-old Christian single. I hope that this has helped you put words to your own emotions, no matter where you are at. Emotional awareness is more than just a fancy word ; it's one of the most important skills we can have on our journey on earth. We develop it by getting curious and regularly asking ourselves the following questions :

• What am I feeling right now?

• What am I sensing in my body?

• What is the need behind this emotion?

Emotions are an integral part of our human experience. They are precious signals God has given us, and they share useful information that help us navigate life. No, they don't always tell the absolute truth, but the information they give us on the state of our soul and our needs must be heard and honoured.

Whether you are single and hoping to meet a mate, or whether you are in any other kind of long (and maybe painful) waiting process in your life, I hope that you have gained some insights and keys to deal with your emotions along the way.

I will finish this article by reminding you that you can experience all kinds of emotions, even the painful and uncomfortable ones, and still have faith. They are not mutually exclusive. Emotions are always an invitation to come to God and process them with Him. When we turn to Him, this in itself is an act of faith, because we believe that He is there and that He listens to us !

There are so many examples of heroes of faith that poured out deep, troubled emotions to God - even Jesus himself. So when you feel all kinds of emotions, even the "messy" ones, the Father is right there, waiting for you to share them with Him. And He will be delighted to be with you in them.

As you increasingly pay attention to your emotions, as you name and process them and as your soul heals, I pray that you will meet God in the midst of it all. Because at the end of the day, no matter what happens or doesn't happen, knowing Him is truly what life is all about.